


One day, he writes

by OverlordoftheBees



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Endverse, Love, M/M, Review generously!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-07
Updated: 2013-08-07
Packaged: 2017-12-22 16:50:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/915637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverlordoftheBees/pseuds/OverlordoftheBees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oneshot: The day is like any other when Castiel discovers the inscription. It is hewn roughly into the dried wood of the chair, to the left of where he sits.  The penmanship is jagged and the lines have been etched vigorously, until they are clearly defined grooves which make out a name: Dean. One day, he writes: Castiel. Spoilers including 8x23. A fanfiction occurring almost entirely in the exchange of notes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One day, he writes

Amidst dry plantations and empty roads that sweat under a vicious sun, there is a garden. It is a paltry thing, barely deserving of the name. But it is a garden, nonetheless.

It sits beside a decrepit church, which once proudly housed the holy. Now the exterior walls are bare and cracked, and the white paint peels feebly in the heat that ravages the landscape. Inside, the structure is host to a quiet, unassuming emptiness that silently mourns the loss of human warmth and song.

Abutting the church is a patch of grass, which looks over tumbling wire fence to miles and miles of uninspiring landscape. The grass in the clearing is dry and dead. It crumbles beneath the feet of its solitary visitor.

Why anyone would visit such a place is a mystery, for there is little to see there.

Flowerbeds line the area’s perimeter, and determined growths sprout from the dry ground. They cling to the fence with desperation, anxious to make their delicate beauty last a little longer, despite their lack of audience.

In the centre of the patch there is one large tree. Under its great shadow, upon dusty ground, there is a rickety wooden seat. It is dried and dull, its varnish and colouration having faded away in the years long since past.

Upon the chair sits a man. He sits patiently, watching the paint peel and the grass crumble. He sits as though the passage of time is meaningless. It is. He has a purpose, but it is not the purpose of waiting. He expects nothing to happen.

But happen it does.

The day is like any other when the man discovers the inscription. It is hewn roughly into the dried wood of the chair, upon the seat, to the left of where he sits.

The penmanship is jagged and the lines have been etched vigorously, until they are clearly defined grooves which make out a name: Dean.

The man considers the word for a long while. He runs his thumb over the lines with a tender touch of his index finger, as though drawing them himself. He watches the name as though it might reveal to him the greatest truth of existence.

One day, he writes:

_Castiel_

He has time, so he makes the name beautiful, with a cursive script and flourish. It is not ostentatious, but it is artistic. The task brings him entertainment, and when he finishes it, he is proud. He runs his fingers over both the names, over and over.

Then he leaves the names. He all but ignores their existence. On occasion, when he is distracted, he feels them out beside him as he watches his surroundings, and waits as he has always done.

After a time, another inscription appears beneath the hollow, in the same rough hand as the first.

Hi Cas.

The man is rendered immovable for some time. He watches the markings, and considers them. His fingers twitch when he looks away from them and stares out to the panorama of the garden.

One day, he replies.

_Hello Dean._

When the rough hand appears for the third time, a conversation begins. It is slow and tedious, with the means of communication at the ready. But both parties continue it, for it seems they have nothing better to do:

Hw u?

_Well. Yourself?_

Bored.

_Amuse yourself_

Hw?

_At your discretion_

U nt bored?

_No_

Ur weird

_Yes, I know._

...

U here mch?

_Yes_

Me 2.

...

Y u hre?

_I like it._

Rly?

_You don’t?_

No.

_Why?_

...

Who r u?

_A visitor_

Me 2

...

A little while after the final inscription, the man in the garden discovers a wedge of paper rolled tightly into a scroll around a pen, left protruding from a gap in the seat’s panels. When he unrolls it, he discovers the same rough hand has scrawled a message upon the paper in an obviously reluctant blue ballpoint pen.

Hi Cas

The man writes below the message, in his own hand, with what appears to be the same unreliable pen. It is not long before he receives a reply.

_Hello Dean. Thank you for the pen. I did not have one with me._

No prob. Thought it might be easier than the seat, you know?

_It is, indeed._

You obviously didn’t have problems writing with a rock though.

_I had the time._

You’ve got some girly handwriting, man. You are a dude, right?

_Yes. I am male._

Thought so.

_Well guessed._

So I guess we must be the only people that visit this place. No one else seems to be joining in this conversation.

_It is a remote area. I doubt there are other visitors._

You on your way somewhere?

_No. I stay here. Are you?_

Yeah.

_Where to?_

...

So. Cas. Weird name. Why are you called that?

_Why are you called Dean, Dean?_

Dean is an awesome name!!

_Castiel is not unusual where I come from._

Where are you from?

_I don’t believe you’d know it... Do you often interrogate strangers?_

Sorry... just a bit bored. Could use the company.

_Why are you bored?_

There’s not much to do here.

_Why are you here then?_

Just sitting a while.

_I am also._

Weird that we don’t see each other then.

_Why? Do you spend much time here?_

Yeah, been here for quite a while. Guess you arrive when I leave.

_I suppose I must._

You should come a bit later next time. I’m here in the afternoon.

_Are you not familiar with the expression “stranger danger”?_

Hahahaha. I know it. Do you?

_I am taken to understand it means that meeting with strangers is usually an ill-advised practice._

Hahaha. Yeah, for kids and weirdo dudes in trenchcoats. I can take care of myself.

_Unfortunately, I wear a trenchcoat._

Hahahahah.

...

What are you doing?

_Just sitting and taking a moment._

Me too.

...

Cas?

_Yes?_

This place. When did you get here?

_I am here often._

No. That’s not what I meant.

...

_I’m sorry, but I’m not sure I understand what you mean._

It’s nothing. Sorry.

...

It’s just, ~~I’m not sure~~ I don’t remember how I got here.

_What do you mean?_

I don’t remember. I’m just...here.

_It is a warm day. Take a rest. Perhaps you are confused._

No. I’m not.

_Most psychopaths believe they are perfectly sane. They are incorrect. Just wait and take a rest. It will pass, I’m sure._

I’m not a psychopath.

_My apologies. That statement was explanatory rather than accusatory._

....

...

I never arrived here.

_What do you mean?_

I don’t remember getting here. I thought I did, but I don’t.

...

I don’t remember leaving either.

...

I must have left. Otherwise I would have seen you leave the notes. I thought I did, but when I think about it, I don’t remember leaving here.

...

Cas, where do you go when you’re not in the garden?

...

...

...

..

Where do you go when you’re not in the garden?

...

Cas, are you there?

...

...

...

Answer me.

...

Answer me, you son of a bitch.

....

ANSWER ME!

...

...

...

...

Cas. Am I dead?

...

Fuck.

....

_You’re not dead._

If I’m not fucking dead, where the fuck am I?

_You’re alive._

WHERE?

...

Who the fuck are you?

...

Do you know where we are?

_We’re not in the same place._

No shit. Where am I?

_Wherever you are._

This isn’t funny. It’s not a fucking joke.

_It’s not meant to be. It’s not a joke._

...

I am dead, aren’t I?

_No. You’re very much alive._

Not the kind of alive I’m used to.

_What do you mean?_

There used to be more than this.

_More than what?_

I can’t remember. I’m trying to. Something is messing with my head.

_Why must you remember?_

This isn’t right.

_It is. It’s perfect. You’re where you’re meant to be. Don’t be afraid._

...

This isn’t everything. I know it isn’t. I’ve forgotten something.

...

I used to have a brother. His name was Sam.

_“Used to?”_

He’s not here now. Something’s changed.

_Is he dead?_

No, he’s alive. At least, I think he is. But he’s not in the same place as me. I can’t get to him.

_What do you mean by that? Does he live in another country?_

No. I mean ~~I couldn’t go back~~ I tried to leave, but I couldn’t.

_You shouldn’t try to._

...

I don’t know what kind of word game we’re playing, but can you tell the fucking truth? AM I DEAD?

...

Oh, I get it. Is this supposed to be heaven?

_It is heaven._

...

...

...

Great. It’s a piss poor effort.

...

...

....

Pretty hilarious that I made it to heaven.

_Why would you think that?_

I just know that it is. Don’t know why. Apparently this place wipes all my memories, so I have no idea. Must’ve fudged the entrance exam.

...

...

...

Does everyone end up here?

_No. Some are banished elsewhere._

Like Hell?

_Yes._

Many people?

_Those who must go there._

That’s sick.

_It is beyond what we are allowed to know._

_..._

_..._

Thought heaven was supposed to be nice. You guys have a great marketing strategy.

_Who are “you guys”?_

Oh come on. You’re in on this, aren’t you? You’re way to calm about being stuck in this shithole. Castiel is a fucking weirdo name. Who are you?

_It’s the name of the Angel of Thursday._

So you’re some kind of religious freak? That makes you ok with this?!

...

Wait. How do you know all of this?

...

...

...

...

Cas, are you an Angel?

...

...

I must have been a pretty big deal if I get an Angel in my garden. Does everyone get an Angel?

_No. We’re not in the same place. You’re not in my garden._

How the hell are we talking then?

...

...

So Angels get to go to heaven?

_It’s complicated._

Don’t you have better stuff to do?

_Like what?_

The world is pretty fucked up. Maybe you could start there.

_How do you know that?_

I remember that it was.

...

...

...

...

I remember that my job was to try to stop it. But it wasn’t enough. It was still a shithole.

...

And apparently, you Angels didn’t give a shit.

...

You not talking to me now?

...

Don’t like being called names, you selfish asshole?

...

Fuck you.

...

So I’m supposed to wait here forever?

_It’s not a bad place to be. You chose it._

What do you mean “you chose it”?

_Every soul has their own heaven. This place must have been important to you in life._

Well, how the hell am I supposed to know that? Are you in on this whole wiping my memories thing?

...

...

I chose this? Come on. There’s got to be something better.

_I don’t know why you chose it. But it’s where you’re meant to be. It must have meaning to you._

Kind of think I’d have preferred something else. Being alive sucked, but this sucks worse.

...

THIS IS BULLSHIT. THIS IS IT? THIS IS WHAT I GET? FUCK THIS!

...

...

...

...

Fine, let’s not talk then.

...

What are you pissed about? This garden really special to you or something? You really should’ve gotten out more when you were alive, dude. There’s a million places better than this.

...

...

...

...

You get headaches here, Cas?

...

...

Jesus, fuck. Heaven got any Anvil?

...

...

...

...

Talk to me.

...

Please.

...

_You have a headache because you are trying to remember your former life. I’ll talk with you if you stop trying to remember._

Who are you to tell me what to do?

...

Angels are bossy. And dicks.

...

Why am I not allowed to remember?

...

...

...

OW MOTHERFUCKER!

...

...

Ok I’ll stop.

_It’s for the best._

Yeah, sure. So why’d you pick this place? Why don’t I see you here, if we’re in the same place?

_We’re not in the same place._

Then how are we talking?

...

You don’t know, do you?

_No. I don’t. Perhaps it is because our heavens are the same place._

You stuck in yours too?

_I chose to be here._

Why’d you pick here?

_It was a place where I was happy._

Thought we weren’t allowed to remember stuff.

_You’re not. I am. The rules don’t apply to me._

Does that mean you can leave your heaven?

_I suppose. But I don’t want to._

What the hell happened here that makes you so goddamned attached?

_I failed at many things upon earth. This is the place before those things happened._

What did you do?

_I destroyed many things._

Angels do bad things?

_I did. I was wayward. I rebelled._

Why?

_I thought I was doing good._

You made a mistake?

_Yes. Many._

What happened?

_I don’t wish to specify. The beauty of this place is that I can live without those mistakes._

You still remember them, though.

_Yes._

So it’s not really heaven. You’re still living with them.

_I suppose not. But I can make no more mistakes here. This is a pure place._

Is that why I can’t remember anything? Did I make mistakes?

_No._

How do you know?

_I know how you lived._

...

That some kind of Angel thing?

_Yes._

Who was I?

_Don’t ask. You are safe now._

I want to know what I did.

...

Tell me.

...

It’s not for you to decide whether or not I get to know!

_Remembering is not how heaven works._

Screw you. I’ll do it myself.

_Dean, don’t._

...

...

...

...

I grew up in Lawrence, Kansas. I had a brother called Sam. My father was called John. My mother died in a fire when I was a kid. I carried my brother outside to save him.

...

...

...

A monster killed my mom. I spent my life trying to kill it.

...

My dad died trying to kill it. He died to save me.

....

...

We killed it. Me and Sam. And two others. Bobby and Ellen. It was a demon. I killed it with a gun made by a man named Samuel Colt.

_Dean, please stop._

The demon gave Sam its blood when he was a baby. He had these weird psychic visions. He knew when people were going to die.

...

The demon wanted him to lead an army.

...

We opened the gates of Hell.

...

...

YOU SON OF A BITCH, WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

_I stopped you from remembering. You mustn’t._

I’LL DO IT IF I WANT TO. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO STOP ME.

....

Whatever Angel mojo you’re using, I want you to stop.

...

I’ll remember anyway. I’ve been through worse than headaches man.

...

...

Seriously? Fuck you!

...

...

...

...

You’d think I’d be allowed to do what I want in heaven.

....

...

...

Cas, I just want to know one thing. Then I’ll stop.

_I don’t believe you._

I promise! I swear. Please.

_What do you want to know?_

What happened to Sam?

...

Please . Is he ok? Is he alive? Or is he up here somewhere?

...

Please Cas. Please tell me. I promise I’ll stop trying to remember.

_He’s alive._

Is he happy?

_He misses you. But yes, he is happy._

Is he safe? Does he still hunt? Did he meet a girl? Did he have kids like he wanted?

_Yes. He is happy. He does not hunt. They are all happy, and safe._

Who is she? She good enough for him?

_She is very lovely. Her name is Elizabeth. You did not know her, in life._

That’s a nice name. Is she nice?

_Very. She makes Sam very happy._

That’s good. That’s real good.

...

...

Why aren’t there other people in the garden?

_They are in their own heavens._

Why can’t we all be in the same heaven?

_That’s not how it works._

But why? Are my dad or my mom here? Why can’t I see them?

_They are together._

What??? Why do they get to be together, but I don’t get to be with them?

_Two souls only share a heaven in a very special circumstance._

Did you read anything I wrote to you before?? This is a special fucking circumstance!!!

...

Cas, come on. You’re an angel. I’m sure you’ve got connections with someone higher up. Can you get me into their heaven?

_It’s a place for them, Dean._

Why don’t I get to go?

_Souls only share heaven if they are the strongest of soulmates. Your mother and your father were._

They’re my family! Let me see them!

_I can’t._

You’re a fucking liar.

_I’m not lying._

You told me this place was heaven. It’s not, is it? THIS IS HELL.

_You are in heaven. You are to be happy._

HOW CAN I BE HAPPY WHEN I KNOW MY FAMILY IS TOGETHER IN ANOTHER FUCKING DIMENSION AND YOU WON’T LET ME SEE THEM? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE? THEY’RE ALL I’VE GOT!

...

I’ll do anything. Please. Please.

...

_I can’t._

...

...

...

_Dean. I’m sorry._

...

_Dean, I wish I could help. If I could, I would have you there too._

...

_It’s complicated. It’s out my control._

...

_Don’t fight this. We want you to be happy._

_..._

_Dean, stop trying to remember! You promised you wouldn’t._

...

_Dean, you have to stop._

Fuck you.

_Stop._

If you won’t give them to me, then I’ll give them to myself. I’d rather remember all of the pain than forget about them like they never existed.

_Dean stop._

...

_STOP._

...

...

...

Was that you?

_Yes._

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

_Please let that be the end of it. I can do no more._

...

..

_Did you see what you hoped you would see?_

Yeah. We were in a nursery. They were painting the walls. Mom was pregnant. With me, I guess. They were together and they were so happy. Oh my God they were so happy. Thank you for giving them that place.

_They chose it themselves. They are happy together._

Cas. Thank you.

_You are welcome Dean._

...

...

...

There’s something I need to ask you. Just one more thing.

_What is it?_

That was you in the nursery with me, wasn’t it?

_You saw me?_

Yeah. You were wearing the trenchcoat.

_You shouldn’t have been able to see me._

Well I did.

_Forget about it, Dean._

No.

_I will make you forget._

You wouldn’t.

_Why wouldn’t I?_

Because I’m asking you not to.

_Why would that matter?_

I’m not sure yet. But I know it does. I just know you won’t.

...

...

...

...

We know each other, don’t we Cas? We’ve met before?

_Stop trying to remember._

I’m not. I tried but you’re doing some kind of Angel mojo thing. It’s like there’s a big wall there now. I can’t remember anything that I haven’t already.

_Then how did you know that we knew one another?_

The way you looked at me. It was kinda like we’d meet before.

...

It was like you missed me, or something.

...

Why are you so afraid of me finding out that we know each other?

_You are meant to stay in your Heaven. I will stay in mine._

Why?

_There are many reasons. It’s for the best._

...

How the hell did I know an Angel? Were you an Angel when I knew you?

_Yes._

What the fuck?

...

You like my guardian Angel or something?

_No. Many Angels watched over you. There was one in particular, but it was not me._

Who was it?

_Michael._

As in Archangel Michael? That one?

_Yes._

Shit. I must have been a big deal.

_You were._

Did I know you were an Angel?

_Yes._

Did I know Michael?

_In a sense._

Were me and Michael friends too?

_Most definitely not. You did not like Angels._

I didn’t? Why not?

_You said we were “dicks”. I did not understand the insult, since human males are extraordinarily attached to their genitalia. Had I not observed the human race for centuries, I would have thought it was a term of endearment._

Hahahahaha. Why was I friends with you then? That weird sense of humour you’ve got there?

_I never understood. You disliked me for a long time._

What changed?

_..._

Cas, you there?

...

Sorry. You were chatty. I was just curious. I get it. I’m not supposed to know. I’ll stop.

...

I’m sorry.

...

Talk to me? About anything.

...

Guess I’ll just wait here then.

...

Come on Cas. ~~I need you~~ I just want to talk to someone. It’s lonely here.

...

_I’m sorry. I said too much. I think it would be best we stopped talking._

Why?

_It is not best for you._

Screw that.

...

...

...

So this is best for me, is it? Too fucking late, Cas. If this place was meant to be perfect, you’ve ruined that. I hate being here alone.

_This is why this must end. I have ruined too much._

You’re the only thing that makes this place bearable, Cas. Please stay.

...

Cas?

...

CAS.

...

Castiel, you son of a bitch. Answer me.

...

If we were really friends, you wouldn’t just leave me here for eternity.

...

This place can’t be my heaven. It’s all wrong.

...

Nothing about this place is good.

...

...

...

Sorry to insult your heaven.

....

Sorry.

...

Could have at least put some strippers in.

...

...

If I start messing with this place, what’ll happen? Will it screw with your heaven too? I’m gonna set the church on fire.

...

Are you kidding, man? At least let me have a little fun! FUCK THIS.

...

Cas, come on.

...

Some fucking friend you are.

...

Screw God and all his Angels. You really are dicks. Alive me was right on the money with that one.

...

Hear that God? Fuck you!

...

...

...

...

...

...

Went for a walk down memory lane. Saw the barn. Guess I’m immune to your mojo now.

...

Got nothing to say about that? I know what happened there.

...

Answer me, you bastard. I’m not bluffing.

...

Still a bit sore about me stabbing you then? Or the guns? Come on man. What was I supposed to do?

...

“Holy Tax Accountant”. Haha I’m hilarious.

...

Sorry, am I not showing you enough respect? Is that it?

...

Do you not own other clothes?

...

Guess not.

...

...

...

...

_Dean, I need you to stop._

Why should I? You’ve been awol for ages.

_It’s for the best._

Yeah, you keep saying that. But I don’t get why. If you don’t tell me, why should I stop?

_Because telling you is not for the best._

That’s not enough.

_Please._

It’s a great story.

_Dean. STOP._

Oh boy that tickles. Quit with the mojo. It’s not going to work on anymore. I’m on a roll. Just up to the bit where you damn near fucking destroyed my brother. Got something to say about that?

_Dean, please. I’m begging you. Don’t remember. If you were meant to remember you would. You’re only going to make things worse. I need you to stop._

Wow, when you said mistakes you really weren’t kidding.

_Dean, please don’t remind me._

Some Angel you are.

_DEAN STOP._

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

_Dean._

_..._

_Dean, please tell me you stopped._

_..._

_Dean, you have to answer me._

_..._

_Please._

_..._

_I’m reaching out, but I can’t feel you._

_..._

_Dean what did you do?_

_..._

_Dean._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_Don’t leave me._

_..._

_Please. ~~You know I can’t do this al~~ Dean, I need to know you’re alright. Let me help you. If you stop fighting it, I can wipe it again. You’ll never know me. I’ll never cause you pain again, I promise. I can fix this. But you have to let me. Please let me._

...

...

...

...

...

...

_Dean, I can feel what you’re doing. Please, you have to stop. It’s hurting you. This isn’t what this place is meant to be. Don’t bring the hurt and turmoil here. Let me take you back to before things were destroyed. I promise, it’s best for you that way. I can do it, but not when you’re fighting me like this._

...

....

...

...

...

Cas?

_Please tell me you’re alright._

I remember everything.

....

...

...

What? You don’t want us to talk about it?

...

Don’t you dare EVEN TRY TO MAKE IT GO AWAY. I can feel you trying, you son of a bitch. You will not make me forget. You already did once, didn’t you?

_Dean, please. You must forget._

Didn’t  work. You thought it worked, but it didn’t.

...

If you didn’t want me here you shouldn’t have replied when I wrote on the seat. You want me with you Cas. You WANT us to talk.

_It was a moment of weakness._

Bullshit. You’re not weak. You want us to talk. Admit it to yourself.

...

...

I know what’s happening now - why I’m here instead of somewhere else. You’re keeping me out aren’t you? I’m supposed to be in there with you, aren’t I?

_No. You’re not._

YES. I AM. Don’t lie. I’m tired of that.

_If you were meant to be here, then why did I choose this place? This is a place where we did not know each other. If we were meant to be together, wouldn’t we be in a place where we had met? Where we had been together in life? You chose this place too. You chose a place before you knew me._

I know where this place is Cas. I sat here after I crawled out of my goddamn grave. With your handprint on my shoulder. We’d met.

...

You were watching me while I sat here, weren’t you. It was only an hour or so before you tried to talk to me. We’d met. Maybe not properly, but hey the barn wasn’t a conventional handshake either.

_..._

I’m meant to be in there with you Cas. Let me in. Stop keeping me out.

_You’re not meant to be here. If we were meant to have a place together, don’t you think it would take another form? Driving in the Impala, perhaps? ~~Maybe in the motel rooms~~ We spent years together, Dean. I could have chosen any number of those places that we were together. But I chose one before we knew one another. We meant nothing to one another here._

Don’t lie Cas.

_You chose the same place, Dean. If we were to be here together, why are you in a place where you do not know me? You chose a place where your knowledge of me would be wiped. I am nothing more than a handprint on your shoulder. If in fact your body still bears that mark in heaven._

It’s not on me anymore because you took it away. Don’t bullshit me.

_You wanted to forget me, Dean. You chose to wipe me from your consciousness by coming here. And I chose the same. We should not speak. We brought each other no happiness._

Why the fuck would I choose this place, Cas? This dingy little shithole? There’s nothing here to enjoy! I could have been at home with my mom and dad. I could have been with Sam. I could have been at the Roadhouse with Ash and Jo and Pam and Ellen. I could have been in the Djin’s world, where Jess was still alive and she and Sam were married and I had Carmen. I could have had a fucking palace. But I chose this. Why would I choose here, Cas? There’s nothing here for me. I knew that, even before I knew where I was. Even before I started asking questions, Cas. I knew it wasn’t right.

_You chose it because you wanted to go back before you met me and before I brought ruin upon you._

That’s not true Cas. What did I tell you? Don’t ever change. I need you. I’m not leaving here without you. I’d die for you.

_I brought only suffering upon you._

The world brought fucking suffering upon us. Trust me on this, I was suffering long before I met you.

...

You know that already, and you’re lying to yourself.

...

If I hadn’t I’d be torturing souls in Hell. You know I would. You brought me back from the darkness.

...

You are the one that asked me Cas! You asked me do I not think I deserve to be saved? I didn’t Cas. I didn’t. But you were right. I did. I saved people. I saved families. I’m asking you now. Don’t you think you deserve that too?

...

You know what, who cares what you think?  I think you do.

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I don’t have Sam and now I don’t have you too.

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You’re fucking lying to yourself Cas.

_I killed you._

You didn’t.

_I’m the reason you’re dead. I brought suffering upon you. I have brought suffering back to you through my own foolishness. You will forget me._

_..._

Don’t you fucking touch me! I told you. It won’t work. Don’t you dare fucking try.

_If it won’t work, why are you so scared of my attempts? Your mind is weakening as you remember. I will be able to wipe it soon. You will be happy._

I WAS HAPPY! I am happy! Sam is safe. The world is safe. It’s over. We did it.

_But you were hurt._

I’m hurt because you won’t let me in. None of the other stuff matters. Let me in.

_Stop pushing at the walls._

I won’t. Let me in.

_No._

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You want me to forget everything? Too fucking late. I remember all of it.

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Why would you want me to forget it? Why would you ask that? Are you telling me you want to forget it too? ~~You can’t~~   ~~Cas don’t I~~

...

Really? That’s it? You really think I could forget?

....

I won’t. I WON’T!!!!

...

You want me to forget how hard we looked for you when you fell? Sam was almost dead on his feet. And we looked for you anyway. Both of us. As soon as he could walk, we were looking for you. We looked for days. And we didn’t rest. At all.

...

You want me to forget how we brought you to live with us? You want me to forget how I cleaned you and fed you like a child? I cleaned the wounds where your wings had been and I stitched them up myself! You held my arm so tight you broke the skin, because you’d never felt pain like a human before. Even with everything that was happening, I checked those bandages every day. And I made you eat even though you swore you wouldn’t. The whole world was going to shit and we knew it was only a matter of time before the demons came. And I STILL took care of you like you were the only thing I had to worry about!

...

You want me to forget how I watched you for night after night, so that when you woke up and you cried, you wouldn’t be alone? How I held you for the first time when you had the first panic attack? Good god Cas, we thought you were going to die. And I didn’t sleep for weeks because I was so scared it would happen again, and we’d lose you.

...

You want me to forget what happened when Lucifer got free of the cage? You couldn’t have known that when you got Sam’s body out it left a crack. No one did. Death didn’t even know. Hell, it took Lucifer how many hundred years in the Cage to figure out you hadn’t closed it properly? Even Michael didn’t figure it out – he was still stuck there even after Lucifer was gone. I stopped you from killing yourself, Cas. I fought for you. I stopped you from sending yourself to Hell. I promised you that your life meant something, even after what you’d done. I meant that. I still mean it, even after what happened.

...

You want me to forget how I felt that whole time? How fucking terrified I was that we’d lose you, and this time you wouldn’t come back? How scared I was that you’d turn into that future you that Zach showed me that was all doped up and wrong? The world was fucking going to shit. The demons were everywhere, and they were trying to destroy the world with Croatoan. And all the time, you were on my mind, like if I lost you I would lose everything? I fought against you turning into that person so hard. As hard as I fought for the rest of the world. There was a whole camp of people to take care of. And Sam. And I was still out in the woods searching for your stash so I could destroy it! Because you were all I had. I needed you so much.

...

You want me to forget how you held me after Sam said yes? I almost lost myself that night. I only came back because you were there and you were holding me so tight I don’t think my soul could have left my body even if I had died. You saved me. And you saved everyone else.

...

You want me to forget how, after I drank that vampire blood, you gave me yours to complete the transformation? I could have killed you. But you let me drink you anyway.

...

You want me to forget how you went off and transformed yourself too? Into an abomination, against your very nature, so you could go with me into Purgatory and find the back door to Hell so we could open the cage?

...

You want me to forget how you held my hand when they killed us? And you let me go first, so that I wouldn’t have to wait to watch?

...

You know what? You want me to forget what happened the night before we did all that? While the others were out finding vampires so we could drink their blood? Good God Cas, how do you think I could forget that? You think it was nothing? I have fucking loved you since I met you. I didn’t know it for so long. You didn’t just a leave a handprint on me.

...

Cas, what we did that night... that was everything I ever wanted to tell you. All the things I didn’t know how to say. I know it was painful and messy. I wish we’d had more time. I would have shown you everything.

...

Cas, with us, it would have been so much better. Hell, it was already better than it had ever been, even when we didn’t know what we were doing. It didn’t matter. I’d trade everything just to have that one more time.

_Dean, please stop._

God, I remember looking at you and seeing you for the first time all over again. And realising I could have had everything. When I kissed you... God Cas. ~~It was~~ ~~I can’t even~~ You felt it too. I know you did. I could taste it on you. Everywhere.  I could feel it all over your body.

_Stop._

You’re a terrible kisser, you know that? I thought after all those years of watching humans you’d have the basics right. I thought you were gonna knock my teeth out, you were kissing me so hard. But it was the best fucking thing that ever happened to me. ~~When I knew you wanted me too I~~ You know that whole soul on fire thing? It’s not bullshit. That’s what I felt.

...

You’re not broken. You’re so fucking beautiful and pure.

...

It wasn’t just that. It was knowing that with your last moments on Earth, all you wanted was me. You chose me. Out of everything that was ever created. I was your last memory.

_I can’t listen to this. Don’t tell these things to yourself. It’s all wrong. I’m the reason the whole world fell apart. I set it in motion. Everyone that died, they all died because of me._

You saved them too. You made it right.

_They all died because of me._

It wasn’t your fault.

_They fell because of me. Because of my Grace._

Metatron took your Grace. He did it. The demons, they did it. They would have done it anyway, even without Lucifer.

_If the Angels hadn’t fallen we could have stopped it._

You don’t know that. They were losing the first time round, Cas. You told me that. They would’ve lost again.

_We could’ve stopped it._

We did. We did stop it. We saved Sam. We saved him from Lucifer.

_You died. Lucifer burned your soul out of you. He scattered it across universe like garbage._

It doesn’t matter. I’m here now. I’m in heaven. Waiting for you. I’ve been trying to get to you all this time. I’m not broken. I’m back. I’m searching for you. Let me in.

_It was my fault. I wouldn’t let you say yes to Michael. If I’d let you say yes, he would have protected you. You’d be alive, with Sam._

Cas, I would’ve been here regardless. I saw what Michael did to you. I would have only been a vessel to him. He would have killed me anyway. He would have torn me to shreds.

_I shouldn’t have let you go to Purgatory in the first place. I could have done it myself. I knew where the backdoor to Hell was. I knew where the Cage was. You didn’t need to go._

Like Hell I would have let you go by yourself, Cas. You know we both needed to be there when you opened the Cage. And I was Michael’s vessel. It was my job. I would have said yes.

_And because I stopped you, I killed you. It was my fault._

Cas. It doesn’t matter. Michael would have killed me. He only cared about defeating Lucifer. And he would have killed Sam to do it. And I wouldn’t have been able to stop him. I was only human. How could I have gone up against that?

...

 What you did, Cas... it was incredible. You swallowed him, even though you weren’t his vessel. Even though your skin was practically bursting trying to contain him. And it wasn’t Michael who got Lucifer from Sam. HE would have killed Sam with him. But you tore him from Sam with your own hands, even though Michael didn’t want it. You kept my brother alive. You stopped Michael. You stopped all of it.

_But I couldn’t control Lucifer. And I couldn’t control Michael. I let him put Lucifer in you. I killed you. Dean, I watched your skin bubble and boil with him inside you. I watched him char you beyond your bones. I put him there with my own hands. I watched your soul burn out of existence. You died the most painful death that could have existed. And it was my fault. I was a fool – Michael would have protected you._

Michael put Lucifer in me, not you. I don’t care that you couldn’t fight it. I didn’t want you to. I saw your bones breaking trying to fight it. You couldn’t have stopped Michael for any longer. You did everything you could for me.

_Dean, I-_

No Cas. No. It’s over. We saved the world. We saved the goddamn world. You saved my brother. You tried to save me. We’re here now. I’m waiting for you. I came here because I knew you would be here, in this place. I knew you’d sacrifice your heaven for me. I won’t let you do it. Let me in.

_No. I can’t._

Let me in.

_Dean, this is heaven. You must be without pain. I have brought pain upon you in life and now again in death._

Cas I don’t feel any of that. There’s no pain. I need you. Let me in.

_You need peace. I will give you that. I will give you heaven._

It’s not heaven if you’re not with me! You know that. Let me in.

_No._

Let me in.

_No._

So help me God, I will tear this place apart to get to you, Cas.

_Dean, I’m sorry._

Don’t.

_I must._

No.

_Forget._

Don’t! Cas no!

_You won’t fight this. I will bring an end to it._

Cas stop! Please!

No.

Stop.

Please.

...

I love you. I never told you. I love you. After everything.

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I love you.

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Amidst dry plantations and empty roads that sweat under a vicious sun, there is a garden. It is a paltry thing, barely deserving of the name. But it is a garden, nonetheless.

In the centre of the garden, there is a chair. Upon it, sits a man. He sits in quiet contemplation, the fingers of his left hand aimlessly tracing the marks of a conversation that occurred a long time ago. There is a small smile on his face, but there are tears in his eyes as he runs the tips over the words.

His right hand is occupied elsewhere. It is clasped in another hand, although the hold is loose and comfortable. There is no fear of loss in the contact, only a comfortable familiarity. The owner of the hand is another man, with light brown hair and eyes greener than their bare surroundings.

The two do not speak. They have no need. Their souls are weary and in need of rest. They have come to this place to seek sustenance and peace.

It is not in the place that they find it, however, for their surroundings are still dry and deadened. Rather, it is in the steady warmth that thrums through their souls, healing their sadness and weariness with a quiet, unassuming joy.

It is with one another, in a pair of hands clasped together, that these two souls finally find their rest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
